Great Falls Suicide Survivor Speaks Out
Editors note: for obvious reasons, E-City Beat is respecting the writers request for anonymity.
Suicide has no face because it is the face of everyone; I am one of those faces, I just happened to survive but I wasn’t supposed to. Suicide lives in the minds of those with radiant smiles and intoxicating laughs, in those you talk to everyday in bubbly fascinating conversations or serious political debates; but while this entire normalcy is taking place you would never guess that thoughts of suicide are also racing through their minds, over and over like a budding orgasm begging for sweet release.
The thought of suicide is toxic yet comforting at the same time, it is your escape out of whatever is tearing you apart; suicide lets you leave this world on your own terms, when you are ready – sounded like a pretty decent deal to me at the time.
“The thought of suicide is toxic yet comforting at the same time, it is your escape out of whatever is tearing you apart; suicide lets you leave this world on your own terms, when you are ready – sounded like a pretty decent deal to me at the time.”
As a suicide survivor I’ve witnessed the devastating effects that my actions had on my family, particularly on my husband and my child. Nothing can prepare you for the conversation with a teenager who came home, found your goodbye letter to him and then found you – it’s over a year later now and my child is still reeling from what he witnessed, what I did to him. It was never supposed to be that way, he was never supposed to find me, but that’s what happened.
To survive in the first place is quite hard; because you failed at the one thing you were dead serious about doing (pun intended). I had not reached out to anyone; no one knew that this was coming, just as many others have done before me. I had been thinking about suicide for a long time but I hadn’t been serious about it, I had been serious enough to be saving up prescription pills “just in case” I ever decided to go through with it.
The day happened, I snapped; I think that is what occurs with the majority of people who commit suicide. An event, someone says literally says the wrong thing to your already suicidal mind and you just snap and say I’m done. It was quite peaceful for me, the decision to die, which looking back is quite odd because in my everyday life I’m petrified of dying. In that moment, I was totally calm, I took hundreds of crushed up pills, drank some alcohol and water left out my letters to my husband and child and just waited – it didn’t take long.
I woke up in the hospital, which is the last place you want to be when you’ve just tried to commit suicide. I’ll never forget the look on my husband’s face, so many emotions – anger, resentment, love, gratitude, shock, bewilderment. Everyone has so many questions to ask you after you attempt suicide and you just want the world to be quiet. After the hospital stay, there is the mental hospital stay (which is a shocker to someone who’s never walked down that path before). Then there’s group therapy, individual therapy, doctor’s appointments, medical bills, the list goes on and on.
Coming home to the house where I attempted to end my life was emotional to say the least; Mind blowing. Horrific. Hopeful…Because my story DID NOT END THERE!
“Coming home to the house where I attempted to end my life was emotional to say the least; Mind blowing. Horrific. Hopeful…Because my story DID NOT END THERE!”
The very recent deaths of famed fashion designer Kate Spade and world-renowned Chef and TV Food Star Anthony Bourdain really rocked me to my core and are what prompted me to write this article. They are two people, two faces, two lives that lived life extraordinary and because of their stature got to experience many things that most of us do not. None of that matter though; I can speculate, that like myself, the day before their deaths they presented themselves to the world as happy, normal people; moving about their regular activities that would not raise alarm to anyone to suggest that suicide was racing through their minds.
When someone is serious about committing suicide they are not likely to reach out for help, talk to anyone about it or give any noticeable indication that something is wrong. That is not to say that if someone who does reach out shouldn’t be helped, they absolutely should; because one day they could end up JUST LIKE US.
I urge all of you out there who are spouse’s/partners of someone with depression, anxiety or mental illness of any kind, stand by them! I know it’s hard and it may feel unfair to you but people don’t ask to have a mental illness but they do ask for love and support just as if they were going through any other illness. It could be you one day in the same shoes, as this strikes the mind in our weakest moments and has a power all its own.
To those of you thinking about suicide, I’m not going to tell you to reach out; what I will tell you is to think of everyone you are going to leave behind. Whose birthday are you going to miss? Whose graduations? Whose weddings? If you are married, what is this going to do to your spouse? If you have kids, what is this going to do to them? I know what it did to mine. The death of you leaves behind such trauma, when confronting what is bringing you to the point of suicide would actually be easier. Trust me, I’ve been there.
I’m alive today; so grateful that I wasn’t successful in my attempt, that my last breath wasn’t on my kitchen floor. Suicide, like a drug, still floats through my mind like a stabbing thorn on my bad days however I know how much I have to live for and I look forward to the days of being old and gray.
Suicide has no face because it is the face of everyone. Be Kind.
By a Great Falls anonymous friend, neighbor, family member, co-worker, and suicide survivor.